Page 17
You haul the money back to your house in the plastic bag Quade used to suffocate himself. It takes you over a month to transport and count all sixty-four million dollars of it, but time means nothing to someone of your incredible wealth.
The first thing you promise yourself when you realize you have sixty-four million dollars is that you won’t let this money change you. Instead of going out and buying a new house and possessions, you simply have your current house and possessions covered in a three-foot layer of solid gold. This includes your car, which no longer functions, and your pets, which no longer function.
One day, the weight of your solid gold house causes the foundation to collapse and the entire structure falls deep into the earth’s crust, which is only a slight inconvenience. You quickly relocate to the world’s first hover-home, a modest 50,000 square foot condominium which floats half a mile above the Indian Ocean with the help of two hundred fully staffed hot air balloons.
After you’ve settled in to your new place, you fall into a regular routine again. One night, while flipping through the TV channels to find Smut Court, something catches your eye. Adam and Kevin are on the C-SPAN, and they appear to be giving some sort of speech to an adoring crowd.
“We’re honored to be recognized by the North American Crossword Syndicate tonight for outstanding achievement in the Crossword Arts,” Adam is saying. He’s holding a crossword puzzle in his hand. Because you own the highest-definition TV in the world, you can see quite clearly that it’s your crossword puzzle.
And he’s wearing your pants! Those bastards weren’t robbing Quade, they were robbing you.
Kevin steps up to the microphone.
“I just want to thank our lord God for giving us the divine inspiration we needed to figure out the four-letter word for ‘move along on foot.’ It was…plod.” The crowd bursts into uncontrollable applause. The President of the United States solemnly walks across the stage and salutes Adam and Kevin.
“On behalf of the good people of the United States of America, I present you, Kevin Rooney and Adam Casper, with a hundred dollar gift card to the Olive Garden. May the breadsticks of your prosperity be never-ending.”
The President is now literally kissing Kevin’s feet. Those should be your feet!
To get revenge, turn to page 21.
To let bygones be bygones, turn to page 22.
2 years ago • Notes