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After customarily dancing to your ringtone for a solid thirty seconds, you answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“You wanna explain to me why you’re not at your desk right now?”
“I am at my desk. Who’s this?”
“It’s Mr. Wright. You know, your boss. At the job you get paid to go to every day.”
“Oh, my work desk!”
You’re at your home desk, and he means your work desk, which makes sense because he’s your boss and why would he want you to be at your home desk on a workday? You look at the clock and realize you were supposed to be at work three hours ago. Curse those enthralling pseudopods.
“If you can’t give me a legitimate explanation for why you haven’t shown up for work for the last week, I’m going to have to ask you to come in and pack up your cubicle.”
“Sir, I can explain. I made a New Year’s resolution to do the New York Times crossword every day to prove my superiority to my idiot neighbor, but it takes a lot longer than you’d expect. I think after a couple more weeks of this I should be able to get a rhythm going and come back in. I do expect to get paid for this time, though, as it’s equipping me with valuable knowledge I can use on the job. What’s a four-letter word for ‘move along on foot’?”
“I renounce my offer to let you come in and pack up your cubicle. I’m lighting all of your things on fire as we speak. Don’t use me as a reference.” You can hear the glugging sound as he douses your inspirational posters with lighter fluid. This is not the reaction you were hoping for. “By the way, my seven-year-old son did the crossword puzzle in fifteen minutes this morning. The word you’re looking for is ‘trek.’”
You look down at the letters T and R you had already filled in from “tread.” It’s a miracle!
You’ve finished the crossword puzzle before noon, a new personal record. You spend the next two hours patting yourself on the back and drinking a celebratory bottle of champagne. Then it hits you that you’ve lost your job, and in this economy you’re not likely to find a new one any time soon. On the plus side, you now have plenty of time to catch up on your Smut Court, you fucking loser.
Your excursion ends here.
2 years ago • Notes