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“I’ll stay here and save this man. You go after the gryphon.”
“Stay calm!” you shout across the lake. “I’m coming!”
You’re about to dive in when you realize that if your clothes get wet it’ll add another twenty pounds to your weight. There’s no way you’d be able to swim with that along with the weight of a recreational hang gliding enthusiast. You strip down to your underwear, regretting your choice to wear so many layers today.
“Okay, I’m coming for real now!” you assure the man. You step into the water and it’s way colder than you expected. “I just have to walk in slowly so I don’t get hypothermic shock!” Thirty seconds later, you’ve waded in up to your armpits, still holding your arms above the water.
You realize that you have an open cut on your hand from when the gryphon attacked you. You heard somewhere that this lake is where all the sewage empties out. There’s no way you’re taking chances with germs like that. You wade back out onto the shore, rummage through your pants to find the condom you always keep in the little mini-pocket of your jeans, unwrap it, and put it over your hand.
“Okay! Ready or not, here I come!” you shout heroically. At this point, the hang glider has been at the bottom of the lake for a hundred and eighty seconds. You bravely swim out to him and pull him back to shore. He’s lost a lot of blood, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.
“Tell…my family… I…love…” he gasps.
“Love what?” you demand, shaking him violently. “Tell your family you love what?”
You can see the life leaving the man’s eyes.
“Damn it,” you cry out to nobody in particular. “A man is dying and a wild gryphon is on the loose, and why? Because I needed to know a four-letter word for ‘move along on foot?’ Is there no justice?”
“I…think…the word…you’re looking for…is…trot,” he gasps.
“Your death has not been in vain, sir.” You get up and leave him in the grass. You never find out what happened to that man, nor do you ever find out whether Stove’s entire family was dropped into a pool of acid. But you do find out one thing: you’re good at crossword puzzles. You’re damn good.
Your excursion ends here.
2 years ago • Notes