July 2009
28 posts
You are about to embark on a journey.
A Walk To Dismember is not your average book.
It is not even your average Choose Your Own Adventure book (mainly for legal reasons).
It is not even on paper.
It is a self-guided tour through the seedy underworld of the crossword puzzle industry… and it’s free. And it’s right here, on the internet.
A Walk To Dismember was written by Julian Glander.
To learn more about the...
Page 1
Sixteen down: a four-letter word for “move along on foot.”
March? No, that’s five letters, stupid.
Walk? Hike? Race? It could be any of them. The clue is unfairly broad.
It was your New Year’s resolution to do the New York Times crossword puzzle every day, and it’s January 8th. If you give up now, you’ll be no better than Quade.
Quade is your idiot neighbor who, last year, resolved to become...
Page 12
Ah, so you’ve turned to page 12. Interesting, because I don’t recall which excursions in this book give you the option of turning to page 12. In fact, upon further inspection, there are no pages in this book that direct you to page 12. And yet, here you are, reading this, which can only mean one of two things: A) you’re dumb enough to think that you’re supposed to read this book straight through...
Page 13
You drop your pants and sprawl yourself across Quade’s dead body just as two police officers walk into the room.
“Oh god,” one of the cops gasps as he aims his gun at you. “Put your hands where I can see them, motherfucker!”
“Calm down, Kevin. There’s no need for that,” says the other cop. “What’s going on here?” he asks you.
“Oh, nothing, officer. Just…you know…having a little...
Page 11
You duck into the hall closet just in time. It smells distinctly like expired milk for some reason, so you take out Quade’s suicide note to cover your mouth and nose. In doing so, you notice that there is something written on the back…in ball point pen.
HELP this is the real Quade i am not killing myself the north american crossword syndicate is killing me because i know to much
if you...
Page 10
You keep reading the note, only because you’ll probably have to do a eulogy at his funeral since he has no friends. That is, if anyone even bothers to hold a funeral.
When I take my own life, which I am going to do after I finish writing this, the world will keep on moving as if I never existed. Please do not investigate my death, as it would be a waste of police resources and it is clearly a...
Page 14
If Quade’s body is meant to be found, someone else will find it. You hurry outside and flag down the ice cream truck. You walk up to the window and try to talk to the driver but he can’t hear you over the abrasively whimsical ice cream truck music.
“Can you turn that down?” you shout, pointing to your ear and making a downward motion. The driver, an acne-ridden sixteen-year-old boy whose...
Page 16
As curious as you are, you don’t need any more weirdness in your life today. After all, you’ve already seen a dead body, which probably should have phased you a little more than it did. But how are you going to back down without looking like a coward?
You look back at Stove, who’s now rocking himself back and forth on the curb, and then down to the keys in your hand. It’s all clear now. Ten...
Page 15
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” says Stove, his voice quivering. Man, that kid is annoying.
You open the cooler just a bit and see what appears to be a bird’s wing. You open it a little further and see what appears to be a cat’s tail. Okay, this kid is driving around in an ice cream truck with a bird and a cat in the back of it. You wonder why the cat wouldn’t eat the bird, but when you fully...
Page 9
“One quick question,” you stammer as your soul begins to leave your body. “You said I broke an unspoken sacred law of the Crossword Universe, right?”
“That is correct,” Kyle bellows.
“So how was I supposed to know about this law if it’s unspoken? I mean, in all fairness, it should be in writing at the top of each puzzle. If you took my soul I could take you to court over it, and that wouldn’t...
Page 8
The fumes from the ink are getting you a little bit high so you should probably do something while you’re still functional. You make one desperate attempt to outsmart him.
“What’s a thirteen-letter word for a phrase you would use to distract someone?”
“Fool! A thirteen-letter answer is nothing to a crosswordly mind like mine. It’s…uh…jeez. Tip of my tongue, you know? Damn it, this...
Page 17
You haul the money back to your house in the plastic bag Quade used to suffocate himself. It takes you over a month to transport and count all sixty-four million dollars of it, but time means nothing to someone of your incredible wealth.
The first thing you promise yourself when you realize you have sixty-four million dollars is that you won’t let this money change you. Instead of going out and...
Page 18
As much as you’d love to take the heaping pile of money that’s starting you in the face, you know it would be the wrong thing to do. Now that Quade’s dead, you can drop this pointless New Year’s resolution of doing the crossword puzzle every day, and make a resolution to be a morally upstanding person.
You call 911 and tell them everything.
“Hello, I’d like to report a suicide. It’s my neighbor...
Page 6
After customarily dancing to your ringtone for a solid thirty seconds, you answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“You wanna explain to me why you’re not at your desk right now?”
“I am at my desk. Who’s this?”
“It’s Mr. Wright. You know, your boss. At the job you get paid to go to every day.”
“Oh, my work desk!”
You’re at your home desk, and he means your work desk, which makes sense because he’s your...
Page 7
You ignore the phone and tell yourself it’s time to pick up the pace. Wait a minute, pace! That’s it! Sure enough, it fits right into the puzzle. Mission accomplished!
You begin to cut the crossword out of the newspaper to hang it on your wall, but things get weird. As you cut the paper, it begins to ooze with ink as if it were bleeding. The ink covers up your precious answers, and,...
Page 20
“No.”
“We don’t have time for this! You don’t understand how dangerous that gryphon is! If you don’t shoot it, people will die. Real people, with families. Do you understand what that means?”
“I can’t do it, Stove.” You set the rifle down on the floor. “I’m against animal cruelty. I don’t know why you were transporting that gryphon, but it deserves to be free.”
Stove stops the truck.
“You’re...
Page 19
You take aim at the winged silhouette in the distance. Once you’ve got it in your crosshairs, you pull the trigger. Seconds later, the gryphon falls from the sky into a lake no more than 200 yards from you. You’ve never killed a living thing before, but it turns out it feels just as awesome as you suspected. As Stove drives towards the lake to retrieve the body, you figure it’s time to get some...
Page 5
Oh gosh, there are a lot of synonyms for “move along on foot.” You don’t even know where to begin. Your first instinct was to go with something that meant “walk” but you now realize that the word could also be a variant on “run,” “march,” “hop,” “jump,” or any other foot-related movement.
It’s entirely possible that the North American Crossword Syndicate is trying to mess with you. After all,...
Page 4
So you gave in to the yearning. No big deal, everybody does it sometimes. Everybody who’s weak, that is.
You call Trish and she answers on the first ring.
“Hey, Trish, it’s me…or, uh, I don’t know if you remember my voice, but…”
“I’ll be at your house in five minutes.”
You’re surprised because last you heard she lived in Toledo now, but she hangs up before you can get any answers....
Page 21
You’re furious, as you should be, but you calm down and start to think rationally about how to get revenge on Adam and Kevin. You know there’s only one way, and time is of the essence.
Two phone calls later, you’re the owner of every Olive Garden restaurant in the world. Your first and only order of business? Burn every single Olive Garden to the ground.
Your plan is a raving success. Adam and...
Page 22
Oh well, you think to yourself. Adam and Kevin seem like nice enough guys. You’d probably do the same thing in their situation. It’s only a hundred dollar Olive Garden gift certificate, after all.
The crowd on TV is cheering wildly as various A-list celebrities congratulate Adam and Kevin on their achievements.
“Wait! Stop the ceremony!” shouts an important-looking government scientist as he...
Page 3
You don’t have a choice. You need Quade’s idiot help on this one. You swallow your pride and go next door.
The phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” does not apply to you, because Quade’s grass is overgrown, under-watered, and littered with trash. Also there’s no physical fence dividing your yards. If there was, your side of it would be well-maintained and his side...
Page 23
“I’ll stay here and save this man. You go after the gryphon.”
“Stay calm!” you shout across the lake. “I’m coming!”
You’re about to dive in when you realize that if your clothes get wet it’ll add another twenty pounds to your weight. There’s no way you’d be able to swim with that along with the weight of a recreational hang gliding enthusiast. You strip down to your underwear, regretting your...
Page 2
Disclaimer: if you’re the kind of person who likes to have a fulfilling Choose Your Own Excursion experience, go back and make the other decision. Things are about to get really shitty for you. Seriously, you can convince yourself it’s not cheating if you turn back now.
You sit down at the computer and get online. Since you woke up at five this morning anticipating a lengthy battle with the...
Page 24
You and Stove exchange knowing glances. You’re both thinking, “fuck this guy, he’s old. We have a gryphon to catch.” You run back to the truck and floor it in the direction of the zoo. Stove proposes a strategy.
“Okay, the gryphon is still very young, so it’s possible that it’s trying to return to its mother. Problem is, I don’t know whether the mother is an eagle or a lion.”
“So why don’t we...
Page 25
Your instincts serve you well. You approach the lion exhibit and see the gryphon. The vulnerable young creature is cuddling with its mother lion. It’s a sight that would warm the heart of even the coldest killer. But not you; you’re still experiencing that murderer’s high.
You lock your crosshairs between the gryphon’s eyes, making sure it’s not a casual hang gliding enthusiast this time, and...
Page 26
You run to the eagle cage as fast as you can. When you get there, you immediately feel that something is wrong. The cage is empty. A sign on it reads: “Dear zoo patron: the eagle exhibit is closed for maintenance. Please move along on foot.”
Move along on foot?
“I’ve been set up,” you realize out loud.
“Very good, little detective,” says a voice behind you. You’d know that idiot voice anywhere,...
About the Author
Julian Glander (1990- ) is a young writer and visual artist. His short story Canadian Penny was the recipient of the Gold Medal for Humor in the 2008 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards. His short stories have been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer and Burn Magazine, and he writes a weekly column for Boston’s Daily Free Press. He has done visual work for clients such as Urban Outfitters,...